Repeated marriages break up more often than the first. Why? Often the past interferes with the past, they continue to make the same annoying mistakes.
Basic ideas
- The future of the new family does not determine either the “experience” of partners in the first marriage, nor the presence of children.
- The chances of success depend on those lessons that everyone can learn from their past mistakes.
- The union will be stronger if you constantly develop relations. Respecting your personal space.
The second marriage has more chances for success than the first, we believe. After all, in it you can take into account the previous experience and not repeat the nonsense that we regret when nothing to correct. In addition, over the years, we become more experienced, more tolerant. Alas, statistics do not confirm these assumptions. According to a survey conducted by the Demoscope research center in 2004, the second marriages break up in the same way as the first – in almost half the cases. Does the experience not teach us anything? Or those who get divorced, belong to a special breed of people who are not created for marriage?
Even if most of the married couples keep a course for a silver wedding and many will never face a similar problem, I still want to figure out: why is it more difficult for the second time? According to Jungian analyst Stanislav Raevsky, “in the second marriage, partners are faced with problems that have not been before. In addition, after the first divorce, it is easier to decide on the second: having terminated the union that did not satisfy his union, the person is unconsciously ready, if necessary, do it again ”.
Reminders of the past
Related to the divorce of experiences do not pass without a trace, leaving the bitterness of the defeat in the soul. Those who enter a new marriage hope that this time everything will turn out well. And they, by healing wounds, will correct the past. “But it is the past that interferes with the serenity of the second marriage,” says the psychotherapist Elena Lopukhina. It reminds a lot of his previous relationship, the first partner: he lived in this house, bought this furniture, here his gifts, there were common friends … “
Another stumbling block can be … sexual life. “Experience is important in intimate relationships, especially for a woman – thanks to him, we learn to trust our feelings and accept a partner,” the sexologist Sergei Agarkov notes. – But at the same time, long -term sexual relations with one partner form a certain model of sexual behavior, and unconscious expectations, undoubtedly, affect the proximity in the next union. “.
The ghosts of the past – former husbands and wives – are often accompanied in a new marriage. Cyril, the father of three children, widowed twelve years ago and very quickly married again, confirms: “It is impossible to forget the person with whom you lived fifteen years. And I know that Nina, my current friend, thinks about it, in the imagination constantly comparing what I am with her and what I was with my first wife. I do not compare anything, just some memories come up in my memory, scenes from the past … “
When children do not accept their stepfather or stepmother
The well -being of the second marriage can be hindered by children, acting in the role of “sabotageists”. A child injured by the parting of his parents is rebelled against a stepfather or stepmother that appeared in the house, sets his father against his mother (or vice versa) to cause sympathy. At the beginning of the new family life, this is a particularly difficult stage – adults will need extreme sensitivity, diplomacy.
“Children out of jealousy can intentionally create problems for the new partners of their parents, hoping in this way to“ glue ”the former family,” Elena Lopukhina explains. The life of a new family is complicated by the fact that in the Russian language, as in many others, there are no special words for turning to stepfather or stepmother. In addition, the presentations of adults about the duties of a new family member in relation to the child may be very diverge.
Does past experience teach?
And yet, many people hope, a second marriage is an advantage: after all, we approach the choice of the second partner more reasonably. Alas, far from always. Often we are pushed to each other an unclear irrational feeling. So often we choose for the second time in the partner “Copy” of the one of the parents from which we could not psychologically separate. No, we are not looking for external similarities, but we unconsciously focus on the similarity of the psychological image.
“Sometimes we change the life companions – serious and strict on a cheerful and witty, subtle intellectual on a simple -minded bodybuilder,” says Elena Lopukhina, “but this is only an illusion of global changes, because in no case do we want to change the most important thing – our lifestyle and our lifestyle andRelations towards certain situations “.
Work on mistakes
So, if we do not do a certain work on ourselves, we will blame a partner or circumstances, we won’t understand where our “personal contribution” to the split of the first marriage, then it is likely that the crossed track will again lead to the collapse of the relationship.
If in new marital conflicts – and they are inevitable – to behave “as before”, this will lead to a relationship with each next partner to an insoluble dead end.
“Internal work to clarify the reasons for the failure in the first marriage-and it is necessary in order to really complete the previous relationship-very often is not fulfilled,” the clinical psychologist Jean-Jorge Lemer regrets. – We think that another is to blame for everything, and it will be enough for us to replace the “defective detail”. But we are mistaken “.
“After the divorce, it is important to give yourself time for thoughts, live alone, analyze mistakes,” agrees Stanislav Raevsky. – Otherwise, hurry up with the new union, we again, already with another partner, will recoup relationships that have not developed in the same pair. ”.
Go around 4 traps
1. Unwillingness to invest in a relationship. “Burning in milk”, some try to minimize their contribution to the relationship – both emotional and material. “Everyone keeps his good with him, and then both are surprised that nothing comes of it,” says the family psychotherapist Robert Nebelge. “It is better to avoid an accounting approach to marriage, when partners are closely monitored by what the contribution of everyone to the common boiler”.
2. Lack of new plans. “I had to see repeated unions more than once, it was only worth stopping the persecution from the former spouse,” Robert Neujourge continues. – The partners acted as a united front in this confrontation, and having lost the meaning that consisted in the struggle, they did not know what to do with their freedom. “. It is very important to find your own meanings and goals for the new union.
3. Inertia of others. Others seem to continue to consider the ex -spouse legitimate and, for example, they ask out of habit: “What is heard from your wife?”New partners need to work on ensuring that they are perceived precisely as a couple.
4. Too active the presence of the “former”. The divorced spouse (a) remains in very good relations with his former (former). It is worth arising the slightest problem, he (she) is right there. It’s good if people break up peacefully, but it is important that the new couple has their own space in which no one should intervene. Friendship between the former is possible, but not too close.
Keep your personal space
There are no criteria that would allow the future of the second marriage: it is not determined by the duration of the previous union, nor how the divorce, nor the age of partners, or
even the number of their children passed. It is more important what lessons they have taken out of past experience. The secret of success, according to the demographer Sergei Zakharov, lies in one single word: “meaning” is the one that partners give to their union.
Alla, a bright 50-year-old woman, understood this from her experience. With their first husband, they made one mistake after another, and after ten years the marriage broke up. It is time for Alla to realize her mistakes. “You can never humiliate anyone. When I found out that he had an affair at work, I began to blame him for all mortal sins and turned his life into a nightmare. And now, after a while, I understand that there was no terrible drama in this. “.
Her second husband is the opposite of the first. “A strong -willed, imperious person, he always clearly knows what he wants. I feel calm with him. In addition, he is a little jealous, while with the first husband it always seemed to me that I was only “one of many”. Maybe such a contrast is the key to success? Not necessary at all. Alla admits that now I would be capable of the same mistakes. But its goal is to maintain an alliance, and the first rule is to protect your personal sphere. “With Paul, I shared everything in the world, but now I understand that it is not worth talking about some things, everyone should have their own reserved garden”.
Rule second: never bloom, take care of how you look, do not stop the thin game of the temptation. And the third commandment: to understand another person, to take into account his features and accept them. “My husband is a pessimist by nature, and I try, on the contrary, to show a positive approach to life.”. Thanks to this vigilance, Alla can now enjoy family happiness found in a second marriage.
We can do without a stamp?
According to the Institute of Comparative Social Research (CESSID), today 23% of women and about 43% of men after a divorce create a new family. But they register a second union less and less. According to the surveys of the Public Opinion Foundation, more than 60% of Russians do not see the difference between official and civil marriage.
“We are less and less inclined to include the state in our personal relations,” comments sociologist Alexander Sinelnikov. – Only a quarter of the divorced decide to legitimize their marriage again. “. “We are moving towards the Swedish model of building a family – when partners do not register relations even if they have a child,” says the demograph Sergei Zakharov. Thus – at least in a symbolic sense – we interrupt the family story, depriving our children of their past, their roots.
In Russia, the average age of the first marriage is 23 years. Today, marriages break up (on average) in five years. Thus, there are more and more young (divorced) people who are in search of a new partner. The question is whether they want to make a new legal marriage or prefer free relations. However, with a stamp in or without, in the new union, partners will have to solve the same (internal) issues.